The Effing Controversy

Ever since the system known as Effing The Dog emerged from my well-endowed mind and found its home on The Information Highway (with other stops scheduled along the way – I like to call them "Inspection Stations"), I've had to contend with misguided scrutiny on what the word effing actually means.  Apparently, this term has been used as a means of communicating a certain word that many would deem "coarse".  While I've never heard of this, I did have Xerxes (my cousin and "personal Igor") do some digging to confirm this.  And confirm it he did.  This is unfortunate, because there is nothing that lies further away from the tongue from those who practice EffTD than a word that is foul.

As those of you have followed this eventual productivity system are aware, I don't condone swearing.  Sure, I've felt like saying words like &#%!, *^@$ and @^?! before  – but I don't.  Ever.  Why?  Because swearing creates a sense of power.  It exudes it if done correctly, with the right tone and frequency (amount, not decibels).   And that, my faithful Flock , goes against everything that Effing The Dog is.

You see, when you exude power…you create the illusion that you want and can handle responsibility.  I mean, you get the keys at a fast food restaurant once you've proven you can handle the fryer and can hold your own with the sailor-like vocabulary of the line cook.  Next thing you know, you're a Shift Manager; trying to make every meal a Happy Meal , no matter how unreasonable the claims of your regular clientele.  You go home with oily skin.  You smell like old onion rings.  Your soul is a little less, er, soulful.  And all for a set of keys that definitely aren't to the VIP .

When you're Effing The Dog, you don't want any additional responsibility.  It takes you away from the task at hand – which is actually Effing The Dog.

The "effing" in Effing The Dog is actually short for efforting .  It takes a lot more than effort to follow through on Effing The Dog on a consistent basis.  It takes efforting, which is the hardest kind of effort there is.  To illustrate this further: Nothing without the "ing" is just Noth – and we all know that actor Chris Noth isn't better than nothing.  It had to be said, and I writed it.

So I hope this puts the debate to rest.  I am not a sailor, nor do I speak like one.  I mean, all my shoes are Velcro-based – which says everything, really.  I hope those whose minds were muddled with the confusion over this have a sense of clarity now – and if they don't, I've done everything I can.  Maybe if you were busy Effing The Dog instead of going on your Coarse Language Crusades you'd have that clarity.  The first step to helping yourself is admitting you are not as good as those who are willing to help you, even if they can't.  I hope that sticks.

For those of you who have stood by me through this difficult time, I thank you.  If you send me your email address I will send you a card saying as much, even though I've done so right here.  I'm that kind of guy.  But I won't do snail mail, just to be clear.

Because then I have to leave the house on your accord, not mine.  More on that later.