With the release of Up! in theatres today and my recent travels across the continent (so much so that I was afraid of becoming incontinent during said travels), I present to you the most eventual methods of travel that I am aware of.
1. Boat. The fact that the term “cruise” is so often used when it comes to marine travel says some of it, while the fact that when the Navy goes out to sea that they are gone for months at a time says the rest. Heck, even the boat to Alcatraz, while short as far as journey is concerned, has a destination that can result in the most eventual time you’d ever spend…when the prison was open. Some may even say the audio tour has the same effect. Not me. After all, it was like listening to an audiobook!
Besides, what other mode of transportation would allow Gilligan and his friends to go on a three-hour tour that spanned syndication? The only boat that circumvented this trend was Titanic, but the film took care of that, didn’t it?
2. Segway. As odd as it sounds, there is a steep (pun entirely intended) learning curve when traveling on a Segway. It’s all about balance. And if you’re a true Eventualist, you know little to nothing about balance. That means you need to take remedial Segway classes – or perhaps you could walk.
3. Dogsled. The Iditarod is one vowel short of insulting those who travel this way. (I hope Cuba Gooding, Jr. can’t spell…)
4. Balloon. A tremendous amount of hot air is required to make this mode of transportation even go, unless you’re in a Pixar cartoon. I hear this is how Rush Limbaugh commutes.
5. Airplane. Not so much when you’re in a plane, but it’s the waiting. That’s the hardest part. Tom Petty once sang about this. Twice. No one wants to live like a refugee.
6. Walker. We either eventually end up with one or have to wait behind someone with one.
7. Moving Walkway. Very much like a Segway if you’ve been drinking. Totally not if you haven’t. Ideal if you don’t feel like walking and want to watch those that are pass you by.
8. Mars Rover. The worst type of “Rover” to play fetch with, as it never comes back. I, however, have not used one to travel but plan to do so if Richard Branson ever returns my calls. Sorry – SIR Richard Branson.
9. See Saw or Teeter Totter. Not so bad now, but when I was younger the other kids would never let me come back down without jumping off of their end first. I’m convinced that is why I have my rump is as flat as a pancake to this day.
10. Blimp. And it goes around and around and around and around and….
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